Last week, we had a couple of incidences where Garrett could've put himself in real danger. Christmas Eve day, I was lying in bed with a bad cold while Bob watched Garrett. Garrett loves playing in the snow with our dog Cody, so Bob let him out in the yard. Garrett knows one of our big cardinal rules is to NEVER, ever leave the yard. He knows he’ll get a spanking if he does. Well, he did that day. Before I go any further, I need to paint the full picture: our yard is not fenced in and we live next door to a really kind elderly couple, John and Dorothy. Many times Garrett goes over to say hi and pet their dog. (Usually we’re in the yard when he does or we can see him out of our back sliding door.) This particular day Garrett decided it was okay for him to walk to the park with John and Cody. So, for however long he was gone (Bob didn’t wake me to tell me what had happened), we had a missing boy. Now I know John isn’t a stranger, but that didn't matter—Bob didn’t know where Garrett was. Of course, Garrett earned a big spanking when he got home. After learning about it (many hours later), I phoned Dorothy and asked that the next time they make sure that Garrett tells us where he's going.
The second incident was Christmas morning. Again I was upstairs, nursing my cold and Garrett was downstairs watching a video when all of a sudden Cody started barking. I thought nothing of it because he barks like crazy all the time when people walk past our house. Before I knew it, I heard my friend Rochelle's voice shout out “Merry Christmas.” Garrett opened the door and let her in. Now Rochelle is a good friend and would never harm him, but Garrett has been told on many occasions not to open the door without telling mommy or daddy. It especially struck me after hearing about the little girl who opened the door for Santa Claus right before that Southern California massacre took place.
So this is my question: how do you teach a child who has no concept of what “real danger” is not to put himself in harm’s way? He’s been locked up (so to speak) for almost six years, sheltered from the world and has no idea how scary people can be or what they could do to him. Because he’s not a baby or toddler (although emotionally, he’s a three year), he’s exposed to more situations. I’m struggling with this—any thoughts would be appreciated. Maybe there’s a picture book out there that addresses this very issue?
14 comments:
Wow, that is scary. I imagine Bob's heart just siezed up when he realized he couldn't find Garrett.
I hope others are able to give some good advice.
I struggle with the same thing with Luca. He is pretty cautious and has not wandered off or let anyone in the house. It is hard to strike a balance between being safe and not making the little ones scared and paranoid. I just did this search on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw_9_9?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=stranger+danger&sprefix=stranger+ and lots came up including a DVD and a Bernstein Bears book about strangers. If you purchase any of them, I would love to know how they work out.
And, I am sorry for the scare. I can't imagine how frightening it was.
yikes Karen, I bet you freaked out.
This is such a hard topic because you don't want your child paranoid of everyone and everything, but you want them to be safe. I remember there was a "stranger danger" thing at our church and we went. I think Sean was 4 or 5..it totally FREAKED HIM OUT and he was paranoid about being kidnapped so much they he followed me around at night (worse than the dog). Now, he is 10 and has buddies in the neighborhood and he just is off playing all the time. He did get a cell phone for Christmas, so I can now get a hold of him at all times. :)
I think Sean is a pretty saavy kid, BUT, there are also some pretty saavy creeps out there.
This is a difficult subject. At least Garrett is going and inviting people he knows-to him, they are not strangers, but I totally get why you are freaked.
I bet you were scared.
It is a hard subject and I don't have any answers either.
Different topic but similiar:
My sister's little boy had a friend from the school bus that often came over to play. My sister knew that his home was not very good--mom was always gone, dad was a heavy smoker and watched TV all day instead of the kids and they both yelled a lot. My sisters little boy wanted so badly to go to that house and play--my sister struggled with how to tell him that his friend's house wasn't a good place without reflecting on his friend. her son got so insistent that she finally told him that her job was to keep him safe and that it was better if he played at home. so far, he hasn't asked more.
Both types of incidents show how hard it is to teach our kids to be safe without giving them cynical views of the world--you just hate to destroy that innocence but when it comes to safety--let us know if you come up with something that works.
Very scary - but probably pretty normal for his age. The Toddler 411 book has a good section on how to teach this to kids. It essentially says to be very clear who they can go to (or with) and who they cannot (e.g., by name). Because they see you talking to people at the grocery, etc. and think that they are ok when in reality they are strangers. You also need to discourage people from talking directly to the child first - the child needs to ask your permission before talking to people not on the 'approved' list in public.
I would have posted sooner but Nick just let the cable man, bug man, and plumber in while I was up stairs! No, he didn't really but he has! We have the same issues still after almost 2 years. Here is my take on it. Just in the last 6 months have we really been able to get across the fact that he may not go with anyone (stranger or friend) unless he asks permission from Mom or Dad. We haven't been confronted with any big issues yet but we just keep reinforcing the rule to him verbally.
The door issue has been harder. He loves to greet his friends coming over for a playdate. He always gets to the door before me and has it open before I can even get there. He also has gone out of the gate in the yard (let the dog out in the process). We put locks on the gates outside. We are also now considering putting the high up locks on the front door and back or a key lock that he cannot get access to the key.
It sounds jail-like but safety first and yes, he should just obey and we do reinforce that issue but until we can be assured that he really understands safety then I choose to be safe.
It is hard to teach biological children safety concerns too but they have ALWAYS been with their parents. They don't "remember" a time when they didn't have their particular parents. This may be true for baby adoptees too. But, our kids remember that we were in fact strangers that turned out to be good and brought good things into their lives. They just don't understand the differences yet. I think it will take a while. So for now, we are just helping him stay safe while reinforcing with words. If you get any other good advice, send it my way! :) We have not found any good books yet either.
WOW. That IS scary, but unfortunately, I feel clueless on this topic. I'd be interested to hear others' input on this. Goodness. It is nice that Garrett is so trusting, but scary, too!
Karen,
It is good this issue has come to light with people you can trust -- now you will figure out how to deal with it. What about more practice? Maybe you can have people come over unexpectedly for him and then see and teach him how to handle it when mom and dad are downstairs or in the garage or wherever -- just an idea but seems he needs some practice saying "no." Good luck, all three of you are always learning.
Hope you and Bob's toes are feeling better soon.
Happy New Year!
I didn't realize I was posting as "anonymous" -- it was me.
Rochelle
Wow. That must have been really scary.
Makes me think about when I was in college and met some kids and I thought "these are the people my mother warned me about."
Not a real answer to your question, but nontheless... Please review the Bernstein Bear book if you get it.
While sitting at the Drs office today, I browsed through Parnting Magazine Jan edition and it has an article in it about addressing this issue. I'll see if I can scan and email to you.
Sorry about your scares over the holidays. I don't have any advice but am interested in what others have to say. I'm glad your holiday was otherwise positive! I am especially envious of the new windows. We live in a very old (almost 100 yrs) house with lots of drafts and inefficient windows. I asked Santa for new windows this year but he must have only had one set of them and they had your name on them! Congrats!
I hear what you are saying about repeated colds. Julian and I are normally the picture of health but have each had various colds and flu this year. Luckily Zoe has only had one mild one so her immune system is obviously functioning far more efficiently than her old battle-scarred parents'!
Happy New Year!
Happy New year! I can imagine how scared could you be. I dont really know what I would do, I was working one day and my husband left for 5 minutes to do the laundry in our apartment building. Yulia was sleeping and Gabi was coloring a book. He told Gabi not to open the door to anybody. Two seconds later, he started to jump in the bed I guess, and in short time our neighbor downstairs came to our apartment because her ceiling lamps were shaking. She rang and of course, Gabi opened the door. I am surprised ACS was not yet notified. In this case, I think my husband deserved the big spank.
They are at the age when they are young but they think and they want to act much older. They want to explore. They know nothing about dangers. I think we have to keep explaining them multiple times and also punish them only at their level of understanding and use a lot of positive reinforcement.
We need to be extra cautious, and its all in our hands.
I would also be interested in reading more about this,
Catalina
John Walsh (the America's most wanted guy) did a kid's video called "Safe Side Super Chick". It is a GREAT video to watch with any kids under about 9 years old. I watch it every couple of years with my kids and it really is good. They make it interesting without being scary.
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