Since our trip three weeks ago, Garrett is a changed child. (And, unfortunately, not for the better.) He's reverted back to wetting his bed, stealing and hoarding food (and fibbing about it when asked), but even worse, he's developed a really bad temper and mean streak. Getting ready for school has become a real nightmare where before he happily went along with the routine, he now talks back, throws stuff, hits me and screams like a two-year-old. Twice I was reduced to tears and once I had to go into the walk-in closet to scream. I think he knows I don't have the strength to put him in a time-out due to my bum shoulder, so he's taking full advantage of my condition. I'm totally beside myself.
The not going potty is particularly troubling. He's been wetting his bed almost every other night, but yesterday took the cake. While I was at work, he and Bob were going to take Cody for a walk. Garrett kept holding his private area, so Bob told him to go potty. He refused to go so Bob lead him to the bathroom and closed the door halfway. Garrett immediately collapsed on the floor crying (not sure why). Bob picked him up and while he did Garrett peed in his pants and on the bathroom rug. Later I asked him if his pee-pee (penis) hurt or whether it hurt to go potty. He said no on both counts.
That night around midnight I heard stirring in his room. I went in and there he was standing butt naked. I checked his bed sheets and pajamas--both were bone dry. When asked why he had removed his clothes, he looked down rather sheepishly and said, "Cause I want to." And that's when I saw the rug. There was this giant wet stain. Now what was that all about? He had time to take off his clothes yet couldn't walk four steps to the bathroom? While I'm not a child psychologist, something strange is going on. Could seeing his baby house friend trigger something in him? (Because he's acting more like a baby these days.) Or did our difficult return trip cause him undue anxiety? The fact that he sees my arm in a sling keeps that awful memory alive. Or did the change in routine mess him up? We have an appointment with Dr. Johnson in early December, so I'll be bringing this all up. In the meantime, we'll go back to thinking of him as a three year old. I now dress him in the morning (he seems to like that) and we'll start waking him up every few hours to go potty.
If anyone has experienced this type of behavior in an older child, I would love to hear back from you. Thanks.
11 comments:
I hope someone has some great advice, or even similar experience to share. While it sounds like normal reversion behavior, I'm sure it is challenging to work through. I appreciate your honesty in posting stuff like this. I don't usually comment on these types of posts because I have no experience, but I want you to know I read very closely and check back often to see what others write.
Karen,
I wish I had some sage advice for you. I will say that Luca gets whacked out when his schedule changes. Maybe Garrett just needs to get back into his routine to feel safe.
Just wanted to say that I hope things get back to normal soon. Hang in there.
Angela
Wow. This must be so gruelling and painful for you. Sounds like he is regressing - and the fact that it came soon after his visit with his babyhouse friends - well, it might make some sense. Maybe the visit was great - but triggered some deep scariness, loss, separation stuff for him? I don't know, as agonizing as it is to go through this with him, it sounds like you are doing a very good thing allowing him to regress and become more dependent - maybe he needs to work through, once again, some of the earliest stuff in his life - and being more like a 3 year old might help for a little while? Just knowing you are there to care for him might help. In any case, I could be completely wrong - but maybe this represents progress? Maybe he feels so trusting of you that he is willing to act out how sad and fearful he is - but cannot express it in words. Sometimes when Aila acts out, I think she is trying desperately to make sure I'll be there for her through thick and thin. Anyways, it isn't the same at all, but just know that you are doing 100% the right thing by loving him deeply through it. That really is important no matter why this happened.
On another note, good for you for screaming when you need to, even if you are in a closet! You've got to get it out! This is soooo hard - raising a child, even when it is going well and smoothly, is exhausting! So many prayers and hugs coming your way - and Garrett's!xooxox
We call them rage cycles at our house. So painful and so hard. Just when you think there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it becomes a train.
I have no exact answers for you exept that it does seem to be something the older ones can display at times. We have had times of such conflict that we are both a heap of tears in the floor. I usually just end up holding him and crying while rocking him. Somehow, I think this actually helped. I really think that some of this is the testing that they talk about in the books. How far can they push it to still get our love? We did always(and still do) tend to see that rough patches may have been caused by schedule changes, a big event, being extra tired, etc. Now, we tend to have just a day or two of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde but it is still sometimes out of the blue. Nick was even a little bothered by the fact that we moved our living room furniture all around. He keeps asking us why we did it? For Nick, overstimulation good or bad will almost always trigger something even after a year and 1/2. I just think their lives were so structured that it takes a long time for their brains to be flexible with all of the sensations/feelings/etc. I personally think it seems to be harder on the boys than girls.
Our only survival mechanisms have been to return to the schedule, continue to discipline for poor behavior (even if you have to mix up the consequences due to your circumstances), and lots of snuggling and hugs and loving words when times are calm. Sometimes after his rages, Nick would look at me with such angst, like he really didn't even know why he did it, and the longer it has been the quicker he comes to me for comfort after. Sometimes Pat and I have to "fake it, til we can make it" to give him lots of love and hugs after a completely chaotic circumstance but as soon as you hold them, it isn't fake anymore to him nor to us.
My thoughts are with you as you wade thru this muckity muck. Just be a parent team and be there for each other as you go thru this too. Date nights are real important in these cycles or shortly after if you can swing it.
We do lots of group hugs to show him that we are all a team and we will get thru it somehow with God's help and lots of love.
email me if you want to discuss more! ky karen
Oh my, that must be so rough for all of you. I feel silly posting if I don't have advice, but I don't. I just want to send a hug ;-)
Shannon
Wow. I'm sorry to hear this news.
As you know, we've had issues with Andrey with aggressive and passive-aggressive behavior and potty training. And outright peeing on the floor. And bed wetting.
I don't know the answers. Garrett probably doesn't either.
Sometimes children regress when there is another advancement - its like a see-saw that one thing getts better while another drops back.
Could be any of the things you and others mentioned.
YES it is irritating (although later you may enjoy remembering being able) to baby Garrett when he's "older".
Andrey wants to lay across my lap at mealtime wrapped in a blanket and cooing while I spoon feed him like a baby. It sounds cute but its not when I'm in the throw of it (Geeze, I'd like to eat too). I realize that it may be my best chance to shove some calories into his body (while he's still!) and also give him something that he may not have ever had, and that is mothering and feeling special.
Just know you're doing good.
Instead of time outs, have you done toy or bike removal, removal of priveledges like playdates or special activies, or things like TV or games?
We're trying 3 smiley faces and he gets one sticker or candy for each face - it he misbehaves, I cross off a smiley face and eat the candy. That would be 3 smilies/1 sheet in the morning (through nap) and 3 in the afternoon/evening when he's home all day.
And for intentionally peeing on the floor, I make Andrey clean it up. I know that would be hard to do with your arm right now.
Wow! I wish I had some really good 'wisdom' to pass your way. But, when it comes to parenting the little ones I'm a newbie (or will be in a few months).
If it makes you feel any better, keep me in mind for advice when Garrett's a teenager. After living through Bobby I'm the pro. Teenage drinking, girls, scraps with the law, skipping school, smoking, fights.... We lived through it all!! OH MY WE HAD SOME DAYS! Today, I am proud to say Bobby is a Sergeant in the United States Air Force. He's responsible, happily married and a perfect gentleman. He just finished leadership training and is the proud father of a 'wild one', a girl version, the same age as Garrett.
It will work out. Just take one day at a time!
((((HUGS))))
That is tough, especially with a bum arm. I think I remember you saying in an earlier post that it was like Garrett left the baby house and never looked back. Maybe seeing the boys was a reminder and brought up things he wasn't able to feel at the time? It is good that you will have a professional to discuss it with soon.
oh sweetie, I am so sorry you are going thru this-and Garrett too. I do not have any sage advice, but it sounds like Karen has gone thru it too-and i would defintely talk to Dr. J about it-and before December. I would think that perhaps seeing his buddies from the "days of yore" may have triggered some stuff that even he doesn't understand. It's so complex trying to understand what is going on in their minds. He IS doing so amazing and your is steadfast and strong.
the only "experience' I have is with my stepdaughter, who i met at age 12. Her mom is not a good person-and we went thru many many many heartaches, fights, and all kinds of things-which I felt were ways to see if I would push her away like her mom did. I have no idea-but it was very very difficult for me, and her.
So, not the same scenario, but i wanted to share that she is now 26, and a sweetheart. She comes around, is so helpful, and we are getting closer, and closer.
I am glad you are able to share this on your blog-not just to get advice, but to get support from all the people who love you and Garrett.
Please call Dr. J because I would imagine this is something that they are probably familiar with and could help you get thru?
I am sure it just takes a lot of time and love-he has come such a long long way and i wish we could just love all his bad memories away for him-but it doesn't work that way, or that fast.
Much Love to you sweetheart...
I hate that our reunion has caused you so much pain. :(
Garrett was in the orphanage longer than Jonathan and Charlie. He must have thought that by seeing his best buddies from his former life that he would be going back - maybe??? It must have triggered something. Remember the Sunday we came over to visit - he kept having accidents and you said that is not like him at all, so it must have started with seeing his friends. I am sure the very difficult trip home didn't help matters! I would defiantly seek some professional advice if things do not get better soon. Do you have an adoption DR/clinic near you? Even if you don't, I know most adoption clinic offer phone consultations.
Email or call me if I can help!
I am here to help/support/listen anytime!!!
Hugs,
Holly
Wow, sorry you are all going through this right now!
I don't know if the reunion may have triggered something, but thankfully you have Dr Johnson available to you. Hopefully, he can shed some light on things and help you all work through this.
Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going. Also, let me know how you feel about the upcoming visit...
If there is anything I can do don't hesitate to let me know... you have my contact information, contact me ANYTIME!!!
Hugs,
Anita
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