The answer

Sorry to make you wait all weekend (but I have to admit, it was really fun reading your guesses). The answer has to do with Garrett’s newest behavior: hiding, gorging and hoarding. While cleaning Garrett's room, Bob found a full stick of butter filled with tiny teeth impressions along with a second empty wrapper under his bed. Upon further investigation, he discovered a bag of Wild Berry Lifesavers Gummies (just the kind you like Shannon) and an M&M Peanut family-sized bag (which he “stole” out of Bob’s briefcase) stashed in his soccer ball basket.

The last item really pissed Bob off—the fact that Garrett took something out of his bag, resulted in his first spanking from papa. The ironic part is, our adoption agency had just sent us an article about this very subject, which unfortunately, Bob hadn’t read yet. Had he, he would’ve learned that this is the number #1 issue facing adoptive parents.

I thought I’d share some highlights from the handout, just in case you find yourself in a similiar predicament: during infancy and childhood, children learn food brings comfort and relief from the distress of their hunger. Unfortunately, for countless children who spend months, even years (like in Garrett’s case) in institutional care, they’ve received formula by propped up bottles or by a caregiver feeding more than one child at an arm’s distance according to a set time and schedule and not their hunger. The nurturance and warmth while eating, intrinsic to attachment, was missing at a key time of development. For older children, serving sizes were often limited or even withheld as a disciplinary consequence.

Children growing up in extreme poverty often display the behaviors of hoarding and hiding food. Not knowing when or where their next meal might come from they learn a way to ensure their survival at the most basic of levels. Adoptive parents may feel aggravated and confused to find food and empty wrappers stashed and hidden under pillows and in dresser drawers. With consistent and loving reminders that there is plenty of food available, this behavior will more often than not subside.

The sheer abundance and variety of food also makes choosing a snack an overwhelming experience. They may only want one bite of a granola bar and leave the rest behind, frustrating parents with the “waste.” It’s important to remember that this behavior will pass.

The best piece of advice is simply allow the child, regardless of mess or stomach upset, to eat freely, often, and have total control over one area that stores food. A cabinet that the child can open or a bowl on the table with “free” snacks that can be assessed at any time gives the child his first control over food, which often leads to a decrease in hoarding. So now, we have Garrett’s soccer ball filled with healthy snacks—cheese sticks, granola bars, sugar-free gum, etc. He’s become very proud of it and it's no longer a source for shame.

Other guidelines:

•Your task is to provide healthy and nutritional, well-balanced meals. Demanding children clean their plate can hinder their knowing they are full and can develop further problems later in life. Don’t fight over whether the meal is consumed. Your child’s only decision is whether to eat or not.

•Food should never be used as a reward or bribe for positive behaviors or as a punishment for more misbehavior. Restricting food is never advisable until your child is confident food will always be provided and available. If warranted, allow child to carry around food for a while or have a bowl of healthy food by their bedside.

•Family meal times can and should be actually approached as an opportunity for healing and successfully completing the cycle of need and satisfaction that previously was dysfunctional.

I’ll keep you updated on Garrett’s progress.